Earlier this week, Jen Glantz shared her top tips and secrets to online dating for Jewish women. With the release of her new book Always a Bridesmaid (for Hire), Jen is guest blogging for Jewish Book Council all week as part of the Visiting Scribe series here on The ProsenPeople.
One of the main reasons I find myself with a ruthless case of Acid Reflux during holiday dinners back home in Boca Raton, Florida, isn’t because I ate too many bites of gefilta fish with horseradish, or because I drank my Manischewitz too quickly, but because I no longer can properly digest the question: “Why didn’t you bring home a mensch this year?”
There’s not a Yom Kippur break-fast or a Rosh Hashanah dinner that goes by where family members don’t smear my challah-bread stuffed self with questions about why I’m still single and, more importantly, why I haven’t found a match on JDate.com, where in their mind there must be loads of wonderful Jewish guys all around the country waiting patiently for me behind computer screens.
While I’ve become a pro at tuning them out — breaking out in Hava Negila instead, shifting their attention from my MIA marital status on my underappreciated vocal talents instead — I have decided to kick off 2017 with the goal of surprising them by bringing home a Nice Jewish Boy by Passover, so they can pinch his cheeks, ask him about his family lineage, and stop pretending they are saving a seat at the table for someone named “Elijah” (I secretly think that’s the Haggadah’s way of saying we are saving this seat for Your Future Husband, Jen, and as soon as you bring him home, we’ll all stop pretending to have an imaginary friend).
So if you’re up to join me on this challenge, here are the four ways I plan to find a NJB before its time for all of us to ditch the carbs for a week and turn to matzah instead.
1. Get Rid of the Not-Nice Jewish Guy
Before we dive into this challenge, it is imperative that you say Shalom—and I mean the goodbye kind — to your ex-boyfriend. The one you still frequently look at on social media and hope to eyeball when you’re back home for Yom Kippur and sitting in shul for the entire day starving. In order to move forward, you have to move on. Change congregations, block them on social media, tell your mutual youth group friends that you are trying to move on and want them to stop giving you updates on his or her whereabouts.
Now that we’ve got the hardest step out of the way, let’s move forward.
2. Take Your Business Online
It may be one of your biggest hesitations, but downloading a dating app or paying for a membership to an online portal of eligible singles may be one of the fastest and most convenient ways to say hello to new potential suitors. The best part of this step is, you can browse for matches while sitting in your pajamas, on your couch, and eating defrosted kugel that you have stored in your freezer. The worst part about this step is that you’ll have to kiss many frogs before you find a prince, and by kiss, I mean you’ll have to go on way more coffee dates than you’d like with guys who look nothing like their profile picture and argue with you over Trump vs. Hilary.
Remember, there are five simple steps to hacking Jewish online dating. Make sure you read (and follow) these tips as you venture forth into the interwebs!
3. Go on as Many Dates as There Are Plagues
If you’re a one-date-a-year kind of person, it’s time to change your ways. Dating, nowadays, is a numbers game. If you want to meet the right person you may have to go on 7 dates a month or even — dare I say it — a week. The more people you meet in-person, the more you will think a) people are really strange and b) that you may just be one date away from kissing your beshert frog.
4. Say Yes to Your Local Matchmaker
I’m not saying you should shell out a couple of hundred dollars to meet with a professional dating coach or matchmaker. You don’t need that. Your family members are natural matchmakers themselves. It’s in their DNA. Just reach out to cousins your age or spread the word around your local relatives that you’re single and looking for a NJB. Before you know it, you’ll have phone numbers of every Schwartz, Bergstein, and Cohen who live on the east side of your town.
Follow these steps as closely as you (hopefully) did your Torah portion during your bar or bat mitzvah and you might find yourself smooching Mr. Right hello before asking the Four Questions at your next Passover seder.
Jen Glantz is the world’s first professional bridesmaid and founder of Bridesmaid for Hire. She’s the heartbeat behind the website The Things I Learned From, and the author of the Amazon-bestselling eBook, All My Friends are Engaged. She can be found in New York City wearing old bridesmaid dresses to the grocery store, on first dates, or double-fisting slices of one-dollar pizza.